Motherhood

 When I was a kid, remember my complacent, casual attitude to school work/projects/activities! Didn't care a damn even if I had to become the 'out' standing student of the day. But then an event in my life today made me pause and mull over how things change especially when you are wearing a different hat. 

My daughter forgot to mention that she had to carry a chart paper to school for a team event. This being her responsibility and considering that her team would do a no-show for want of just a chart, it irked me more. While the mercury was soaring within me to unimaginable levels, when she shared this piece of info at 6 in the morning when even early birds dont open shop, I heard myself chanting prayers in my mind - all for a sheet of chart paper!!!!! And this was through gritted teeth asking my daughter to be a bit more responsible and prepared!!!! Thank God, my mom wasn't witnessing this and you know why ;) 

When I went to drop her off at the gate, I stepped on to the road and realised that one good soul had his shop open. While the school bus arrived, I ran with all the speed I could gather and bought the sheet, ran back and gave it to my daughter as the bus was to leave. Managed a smile and felt at peace. Oh boy!!!! While the adrenalin settled, I couldn't help reflect, how things change. Had it been for me, I would have still liked to be penalised and would have probably thought I was bindass but then this was my daughter and even when she was to blame and deserved a gyan session, I still didn't want to see her earning a bad reputation! 

Is this what we call motherhood????? Am damned right - YES!

My first gray hair

Ouchchch! It was just a month after a 30 something birthday! And I was proud that my hair was still silky smooth and jet black! One of the assets that always drew attention and envy from my friends who now lost count of the grayness in their hair and come up with flashy coloured hair after their regular weekend sittings in the parlour. Never thought my turn would ever come.....but destiny had its best laid plan in store for that night. An usual irresistible quick glance in the mirror at nightfall and something shimmering in the light above drew my complete attention for the next God knows how many minutes. After some careful examination, I let out a loud scream. Not the best way to attract the husband into the bedroom but then that was not my intention you see. 

I recall the ad where the girl screams to her sis when she notices her first silver lining- "My life is finished!" Well!!! My reaction was no different and thats exactly what I told hubby. Men in their usual prime time take a while figuring out such astounding statements that their lady folk make. And my hubby was no different. With great unease and an instinctive pull, I got out that silver strand and showed it to hubby. And what did I see! A smirk playing in the corner of his lips. Oh why God! Why did you not get them to ever empathise with their bestest half when they so dearly crave for those soothing words to calm their sore soul! He chose to walk away than be cursed and therefore left me to whimper alone in the most grayest seconds of my life! Oh! I probably had 'gray'mares the whole night and by morning I woke up with the determination to face the do or 'dye' situation. A walk down to the parlour to ensure I never rediscover gray hairs ever and turned my jet black hair to a burgundy! That was probably the day when I thanked the heaven above for the gray cells that us human kind are blessed with and was pleased with the power to add colour to life. God bless hair dyes!

The Hiatus

!!!!!!!!!!! Well, thats precisely how it all began. Told someone that I could write a book on it but beginning with this post. 

Sometime back when someone asked me - 'How's life?', my response would have been a simple - 'the usual routine'. Routine for me was about work-home-work-home....the balancing act without a full stop!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow there was never enough time for anything. Always in a hurry. Wonder what the race was all about?! 

And then I hit the 'pause' button! It probably was a realisation that sprung when  I thought - 'what would people remember about me when I die?'. So attuned to picking choices that I couldn't help but think in choice again and here it goes...

a) A perfect ballet dancer! That was metaphorically speaking, people - I happened to always be on my toes and think on my toes, balancing family and work that was weighing quite heavy on the head! 

b) A good HR professional - Where was 'I' here? This was my profession!

c) A good mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend - C'mon, I can do better $#@&**! Those were special characters but not me!!!!'

d) None of the above - Actually I ran out of choices :(

So I asked myself another question - 'what would I want people to remember about me when I die?' and again my choices were as below...

a) Someone who lived life to the fullest
b) Someone who was fit and happy
c) Someone who always had time for anyone and anything
d) Someone who always wanted to try new things, pursue arts, write, create ...... actually I had to stop here since I realised the choices were more than merry 4!
And my answer was a simple - 'All of the above'. And that got me thinking.....and my first step was the hiatus to think more about the whats, hows and whens!

First day off work, I realised 

• I didn't have a mental checklist of things that I had to tick...that was a good beginning. I didn't have to look at my watch every passing second...the watch looked destressed :D 
• I didn't have to prove my performance to none but myself...well, well, golden words - that I realised was a great stress buster in itself :p
• I suddenly had time to pick out the books that I had stacked for reading on a leisurely day...had it not been for the hiatus, I would have probably picked these after retirement ;)
• I actually got in touch with the me and realised I was missing 'just being with my thoughts'...and I was at peace :D

We sometimes get so engrossed with our professional/family routines that we stop smelling the roses, we stop gazing at the stars in the night sky and we miss the pleasures of the small joys that life holds. If you have seen the animation movie 'Rapunzel', there is a wonderful song which encapsulates the beauty of life and I could relate to it completely since I chose to put those exclamation marks to my professional overdrive. For me, this hiatus spelt a new beginning to a new chapter in my otherwise mechanical life.

"Look at the world - so close, and I'm halfway to it! Look at it all - so big - do I even dare? Look at me - there at last! - I just have to do it. 

Should I?
No.
Here I go...
Just smell the grass! The dirt! Just like I dreamed they'd be!Just feel that summer breeze - the way it's calling me
For like the first time ever, I'm completely free!
I could go running....And racing....And dancing....And chasing....And leaping....And bounding...Hair flying....Heart pounding....And splashing....And reeling....And finally feeling
Now's when my life begins!"

And I sang my break away...Ofcourse I still had a plan. I am sure I would feel lost without one. The first few days, I enjoyed the sweet nothings of each passing moment, let down my hair, watched my favourite movies, tripped on all my favourite books. 

Then I began my tryst with nature. Smelt the flowers around,  walked barefoot on the silky grass lawn, gazed at the stars and the moon and for the first time in years enjoyed the golden hues of the sunset. 

I started to look at life differently. I re-discovered my passion for books, writing, music, the metaphysics. Loved every second spent with children, suddenly saw my happiness and passion mirror on my family and saw small positive changes evolving every passing day. Felt new vigor and confidence surging through every cell in my body and slowly filled these positive changes in my routine. 

At the end of it, I still keep wondering - Did I do the right thing by quitting when i was at the so called peak of my career? And while I got pensive over this, my 7 year old daughter came rushing after she had given her exams and hugged me and said - " The exam was EEEEasy. I could have written it in 5 minutes and I wrote very neatly. I love you Mom. Because of you I am now a maths whizkid, wrote all my exams well, I cook, I play shuttle and am going to do a lot many more :) You are the best!"

Guess that answered the nagging question in my mind! This was the microcosm I so wanted for myself and I felt like a Queen:)