Motherhood

 When I was a kid, remember my complacent, casual attitude to school work/projects/activities! Didn't care a damn even if I had to become the 'out' standing student of the day. But then an event in my life today made me pause and mull over how things change especially when you are wearing a different hat. 

My daughter forgot to mention that she had to carry a chart paper to school for a team event. This being her responsibility and considering that her team would do a no-show for want of just a chart, it irked me more. While the mercury was soaring within me to unimaginable levels, when she shared this piece of info at 6 in the morning when even early birds dont open shop, I heard myself chanting prayers in my mind - all for a sheet of chart paper!!!!! And this was through gritted teeth asking my daughter to be a bit more responsible and prepared!!!! Thank God, my mom wasn't witnessing this and you know why ;) 

When I went to drop her off at the gate, I stepped on to the road and realised that one good soul had his shop open. While the school bus arrived, I ran with all the speed I could gather and bought the sheet, ran back and gave it to my daughter as the bus was to leave. Managed a smile and felt at peace. Oh boy!!!! While the adrenalin settled, I couldn't help reflect, how things change. Had it been for me, I would have still liked to be penalised and would have probably thought I was bindass but then this was my daughter and even when she was to blame and deserved a gyan session, I still didn't want to see her earning a bad reputation! 

Is this what we call motherhood????? Am damned right - YES!

A smile will do

When through the streets of sorrow pass I,

With trickles of tears flowing down my eye,

When the birds with lovely chatters flew by,

And I with woe weary eyes did at a stranger cry,

"Oh! Look at that man whistling by,

When I with all my broken ties,

Am here to search for a way to die,

Oh! Woeful life!"

The Stranger with pity stopped short,

And with a twinkling brightness flashed a sunshine smile,

Which washed all tears and brought all hopes,

And now it was me whistling and walking miles.

When through the woods with a joyful heart roved I,

Bumped into a person with a gloomy eye,

Figured the shadow I cast by,

And at once like the other stranger now I flashed a smile,

"Buddy, said I,

Life's not just cries, riles and wiles,

Its a precious hem of joyful ties

And thus passed on the secret with much ado,

THAT A SMILE WILL DO :)

Hug me, if you love me

One of those things that life, well 7 year olds can teach you!!! Sometimes a single second in life can teach you lessons worth a lifetime. At a phase when I thought I have done it all and have experienced life to the fullest and I can't be better........she breaks the bubble with just a whooosshhh of 6 simple words. And for once my tongue couldn't churn out a response.  It broke the entire line up of the so called sacrifices of motherhood to bring up this kid. And I recalled learning - Communication is what others understand! Maybe thats what they meant when people say - 'You speak the same language as me'. I realised how people in general are so different and it again took me back to another learning - ' Some like to see, some like to hear, some like to see, some like to smell, while others like to taste'. Yes guys, am talking about the five senses and how, in a person one can dominate over the others and thats primarily how we give and receive communication. My 7 year old obviously had to feel my hug to know I love her. Aren't we all 7 year olds in our mind. Love obviously has an expression and this expression is different for each of us. Maybe we need to let those we love know how we would like to receive the expression of love. If a 7 year old can, so can we :)

Of books and borrowers

When I think of the day, I started reading books, there is an eerie feeling which crosses my mind – recollections of those books that I “once” owned.  Books were always my first love. I have always loved to own all the books I read; from comics to classics. But, unfortunately I seldom hang onto them for long. Blame it on my tongue which never stops chattering especially when the topic is “Books’ with a capital B. ‘View sharing’ is something I love and detest. ‘Love’ because it always makes me feel socially forward; ‘detest’ because for every view shared, I lose a book!

The period of borrowing varies from a few days to months and even years when all the hopes of getting the book back vanishes into thin air. The irony of it is when people speak of ‘lending’ the very books which ‘you once owned’!!!!!!!!!!!

But there is always a tiny hope that climbs like a spider in its web and keeps repeating -‘Try, try, try till you succeed.’ And then arises the question, “How shall I get it back?” I think and I think of ways to get it back. I ponder while I rest, I ponder while at work and I still ponder when I read another book which also has a chance of never seeing me again. It is then that my hair started falling,  I grew pale, I lose weight and I begin to spend sleepless nights – Well! Not in Seatle folks!

I would have thought of innumerable ways and after a time lapse of 24 hours, would have discarded it out of the whirlpool of thoughts. And then comes the time when I do hit upon a plan – a plan which might help me see the book again.

I seek the borrower, invite her/him to my house and spend hours speaking about nothing but books. Easy ain't it?! But in the end my friend leaves and am the same person minus some snacks, drinks and my energy! My hope bursts like a bubble. And then I decide to forget the books and forgive the borrower. I make a vow never to lend books again and then when a friend drops by, I’ll find myself breaking the vow I made a short while ago, reminding me once again of my lost books. In the end I feel a lot wiser but never a miser!!!!!!!!

My experience of ownership and ex-ownership of numerous books gives me the wisdom to tell you – “Make sure your shelf is the one that possesses the book you buy – FOREVER! Just don't ask me how! I am still learning!

My first gray hair

Ouchchch! It was just a month after a 30 something birthday! And I was proud that my hair was still silky smooth and jet black! One of the assets that always drew attention and envy from my friends who now lost count of the grayness in their hair and come up with flashy coloured hair after their regular weekend sittings in the parlour. Never thought my turn would ever come.....but destiny had its best laid plan in store for that night. An usual irresistible quick glance in the mirror at nightfall and something shimmering in the light above drew my complete attention for the next God knows how many minutes. After some careful examination, I let out a loud scream. Not the best way to attract the husband into the bedroom but then that was not my intention you see. 

I recall the ad where the girl screams to her sis when she notices her first silver lining- "My life is finished!" Well!!! My reaction was no different and thats exactly what I told hubby. Men in their usual prime time take a while figuring out such astounding statements that their lady folk make. And my hubby was no different. With great unease and an instinctive pull, I got out that silver strand and showed it to hubby. And what did I see! A smirk playing in the corner of his lips. Oh why God! Why did you not get them to ever empathise with their bestest half when they so dearly crave for those soothing words to calm their sore soul! He chose to walk away than be cursed and therefore left me to whimper alone in the most grayest seconds of my life! Oh! I probably had 'gray'mares the whole night and by morning I woke up with the determination to face the do or 'dye' situation. A walk down to the parlour to ensure I never rediscover gray hairs ever and turned my jet black hair to a burgundy! That was probably the day when I thanked the heaven above for the gray cells that us human kind are blessed with and was pleased with the power to add colour to life. God bless hair dyes!

The Hiatus

!!!!!!!!!!! Well, thats precisely how it all began. Told someone that I could write a book on it but beginning with this post. 

Sometime back when someone asked me - 'How's life?', my response would have been a simple - 'the usual routine'. Routine for me was about work-home-work-home....the balancing act without a full stop!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow there was never enough time for anything. Always in a hurry. Wonder what the race was all about?! 

And then I hit the 'pause' button! It probably was a realisation that sprung when  I thought - 'what would people remember about me when I die?'. So attuned to picking choices that I couldn't help but think in choice again and here it goes...

a) A perfect ballet dancer! That was metaphorically speaking, people - I happened to always be on my toes and think on my toes, balancing family and work that was weighing quite heavy on the head! 

b) A good HR professional - Where was 'I' here? This was my profession!

c) A good mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend - C'mon, I can do better $#@&**! Those were special characters but not me!!!!'

d) None of the above - Actually I ran out of choices :(

So I asked myself another question - 'what would I want people to remember about me when I die?' and again my choices were as below...

a) Someone who lived life to the fullest
b) Someone who was fit and happy
c) Someone who always had time for anyone and anything
d) Someone who always wanted to try new things, pursue arts, write, create ...... actually I had to stop here since I realised the choices were more than merry 4!
And my answer was a simple - 'All of the above'. And that got me thinking.....and my first step was the hiatus to think more about the whats, hows and whens!

First day off work, I realised 

• I didn't have a mental checklist of things that I had to tick...that was a good beginning. I didn't have to look at my watch every passing second...the watch looked destressed :D 
• I didn't have to prove my performance to none but myself...well, well, golden words - that I realised was a great stress buster in itself :p
• I suddenly had time to pick out the books that I had stacked for reading on a leisurely day...had it not been for the hiatus, I would have probably picked these after retirement ;)
• I actually got in touch with the me and realised I was missing 'just being with my thoughts'...and I was at peace :D

We sometimes get so engrossed with our professional/family routines that we stop smelling the roses, we stop gazing at the stars in the night sky and we miss the pleasures of the small joys that life holds. If you have seen the animation movie 'Rapunzel', there is a wonderful song which encapsulates the beauty of life and I could relate to it completely since I chose to put those exclamation marks to my professional overdrive. For me, this hiatus spelt a new beginning to a new chapter in my otherwise mechanical life.

"Look at the world - so close, and I'm halfway to it! Look at it all - so big - do I even dare? Look at me - there at last! - I just have to do it. 

Should I?
No.
Here I go...
Just smell the grass! The dirt! Just like I dreamed they'd be!Just feel that summer breeze - the way it's calling me
For like the first time ever, I'm completely free!
I could go running....And racing....And dancing....And chasing....And leaping....And bounding...Hair flying....Heart pounding....And splashing....And reeling....And finally feeling
Now's when my life begins!"

And I sang my break away...Ofcourse I still had a plan. I am sure I would feel lost without one. The first few days, I enjoyed the sweet nothings of each passing moment, let down my hair, watched my favourite movies, tripped on all my favourite books. 

Then I began my tryst with nature. Smelt the flowers around,  walked barefoot on the silky grass lawn, gazed at the stars and the moon and for the first time in years enjoyed the golden hues of the sunset. 

I started to look at life differently. I re-discovered my passion for books, writing, music, the metaphysics. Loved every second spent with children, suddenly saw my happiness and passion mirror on my family and saw small positive changes evolving every passing day. Felt new vigor and confidence surging through every cell in my body and slowly filled these positive changes in my routine. 

At the end of it, I still keep wondering - Did I do the right thing by quitting when i was at the so called peak of my career? And while I got pensive over this, my 7 year old daughter came rushing after she had given her exams and hugged me and said - " The exam was EEEEasy. I could have written it in 5 minutes and I wrote very neatly. I love you Mom. Because of you I am now a maths whizkid, wrote all my exams well, I cook, I play shuttle and am going to do a lot many more :) You are the best!"

Guess that answered the nagging question in my mind! This was the microcosm I so wanted for myself and I felt like a Queen:)

Mind Trek

A course in hypnosis!!!!!Still wonder what got me into it. Was it the conviction with which a friend described it? Was it the eagerness to  know if I can be hypnotised or did I really want to do some good unto others?! Rubbish the last part, these always come as an after thought! Well I guess I just wanted to do it on an impulse and am glad I did it. One of those occasions when you truly relish being 'out of your mind'!!!!!!!!

To begin with, I was all sold on the science of it. The logic appealed to me. The first time we experimented, I 'thought' I got hypnotised, but could not be sure. The intellectual in me woke up and I started deciphering the detailing and somewhere in the trek I realised that it truly is a heightened state of "awareness" when you drop your guards and realise the depths you can unravel within yourself. Its a beautiful space and the nothingness was truly heavenly. You just drift and drift and cross a lot of patterns, a few dreams, see what you deeply desire and you can tap on all those millions and billions of experiences - this life and the past and the betweens! It irks, it pains, it pleases. When you awake, you feel at peace with yourself and almost like a purgation therapy, the toxins in the mind are all gone. Awareness is truly a panacea for the soul! Wonderful, what controlled sleep can do. It was just the first milestone and there are many more to cross and hopefully the trek would help awaken the romantic in me :)